[TV static drones]
[bright tone]
[upbeat rock music]
♪ ♪
[cheers and applause]
♪ ♪
- Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight."
I'm John Oliver.
Thank you so much for joining us.
Just time for a quick recap of the week,
and we begin with a narcissistic,
unstable man who just might kill us all,
and it says something about the current state of the world
that you have no idea which world leader our story is about.
So, let me specify: it's about a tubby,
power-hungry leader with daddy issues and a bad haircut,
which still only narrows us down to these two,
but as it happens, our first story is about both of them,
because last week, North Korea marked
the 105th birthday of Kim Il-Sung,
their first supreme leader, with a startling parade.
- These canisters could carry a missile
capable of reaching the US,
but are they real, or are they what
one intelligence official called "just big green tubes."
- Okay. That is a good question.
Because yes, on one hand, they could be
intercontinental missiles capable of
destabilizing the whole world order.
But on the other hand, they could also be
dildos for the Jolly Green Giant's wife.
He does not sexually satisfy her.
That's a fact. That's a sad fact.
But the parade wasn't the issue for the international community
as much as the missile test that followed it,
the fifth in the past ten weeks.
And while it failed, it was a provocative act,
especially considering that just days earlier,
Donald Trump had tried to warn them not to do it.
- What are we doing right now in terms of North Korea?
- We are sending an armada. Very powerful.
We have submarines.
Very powerful.
- Okay.
That was a very powerful response from Trump.
Very powerful.
Although, I would argue the most surprising thing
there is that he knows what the word "armada" means.
I-I always just assumed that's what
he mistakenly called his housekeepers.
Armada, you forgot to dust under the lamps.
You think I don't check under the lamps, Armada, but I do.
I do check under the lamps.
But to give the president some credit,
that was at least a clear response,
echoed later by Sean Spicer, who argued that
there was an unmistakable message of deterrence
being sent "when you see a carrier group
steaming into an area like that."
But that message got a little muddied this week,
after we learned something surprising
about the carrier group in question.
- The USS Carl Vinson was not, in fact, on its way.
It was more than 3,000 nautical miles away,
traveling in the opposite direction, heading south.
- Okay, so it was steaming, just the wrong way.
And it was "off the coast of North Korea" the same way
that New York is off the coast of Portugal.
And when confronted by this mistake,
Sean Spicer--I remind you, a professional spokesperson--
yet again lost control of his mouth.
- Can you take us through the events
from the perspective of the White House
that led to the miscommunication,
this administration thinking that this vessel
was thousands of miles away from its actual location?
- The president said that we have an armada
going towards the peninsula. That's a fact.
It happened. It is happening, rather.
- Wait, wait, wait. Wait.
So Spicer is claiming that because the fleet
was going to North Korea "eventually,"
it was fine to suggest that it was on its way there now.
And by that logic, I can truthfully say
that Sean Spicer is currently
posting his resume on Monster.com.
I mean, he isn't, but he will eventually,
and at this rate, possibly as soon as next week.
So it seems, with the parade of potentially fake weapons,
the failed missile test, and the armada
that's definitely in an ocean steaming somewhere,
it has been a week of confusing messages back and forth.
But on Wednesday, we got perhaps
the most surprising message of all.
- "The New York Times" reports on unusual activity
at North Korea's nuclear test site.
Images taken Sunday showed a volleyball game being played.
It was one of three games.
Analysts say the games were probably intended
to send a message, but that message is unclear.
- Yeah, yeah, it probably is, because volleyball
on a nuclear test site is a pretty hard
message to get your head around.
It's like getting a text that said, "Hey, you up?"
eggplant emoji, "cause I just ate
an entire box of graham crackers," gun emoji.
I don't know what that means,
but I'm pretty sure it can't be good.
For now, let's move on to Turkey,
a country that shares its name with a bird,
and not just any bird: the hottest bird.
Looking good, my friend. Looking good.
Now, we've talked before about Turkish president Recep Erdogan,
the mustachioed strongman
who once got hoof-punched in the dick by a horse.
Well--well, he has been attempting to consolidate
his power for years, and last Sunday,
he took his boldest step yet.
- President Erdogan declared victory yesterday
in a referendum that gives him sweeping new powers.
- His critics say this is a step towards dictatorship.
- Oh, that's great.
I guess I can now add Turkey
to my list of things to worry about,
along with America, the French election,
and whether John Cena is having a happy 40th birthday today,
and how the fuck John Cena and I are the exact same age.
Oh, my God.
That is heartbreaking.
But the point is--the point is,
the power this referendum gives Erdogan is sweeping.
- Erdogan now has broad, unchecked powers,
and the authority to potentially
remain in office until 2029.
- It's true, the referendum gives Erdogan the power
to do pretty much everything, short of building
a statue of himself with an erection
that citizens will be forced to give pretend hand jobs to.
But to be honest, it might actually have given him
the power to do that as well.
The legitimacy of the results were immediately
called into question after "reports
of voting irregularities," and European observers
criticized the referendum, saying it "took place
on an unlevel playing field,"
something that Erdogan did not take well.
- [speaking Turkish]
- "What George, Hans, or Helga say,
that's not our problem," Erdogan said,
mocking European election monitors
questioning the results.
- Ouch, that is dismissive,
especially since "George, Hans, and Helga"
sounds like a former East German folk-rock group.
"We are George, Hans, und Helga.
"Prepare to have the sounds of peace and love
"administered promptly into
your ears and brains, meine freunde!"
But this really does put America in a very tricky situation.
Turkey is a critical ally, so any reaction
to this referendum needed to be handled delicately,
and to his genuine credit, Sean Spicer refused
to issue a comment on the contested results.
- My understanding is there's an international commission
that is reviewing this and issues a report,
so 10 to 12 days, and so
we'll wait and let them do their job.
- That is a good idea.
Build the administration a little time.
Don't jump into the situation without thinking through
the complicated repur--
you all know what's coming now, right?
- US President Donald Trump has called
Turkish President Recep Erdogan
to congratulate him on his narrow referendum triumph.
- Yeah, that happened the same day.
And I guess at least it would have been a fun call.
"Oh, congratulations on narrowly winning a vote that made you,
"a divisive, egomaniacal bully,
enormously powerful in your country."
"Thanks. Same to you, Donald."
"Thanks. Aren't we the worst?"
"We are the worst. Good-bye."
"Bye-bye!"
And think about it.
'Cause here's the interesting thing about this:
why is Trump so eager to stay on Erdogan's good side?
Well, one explanation for that actually comes from
Trump himself in this interview that he gave
to Breitbart in 2015.
- Of course.
Of course to everything you just heard.
Of course there's a conflict of interest.
Of course it's caught on tape.
Of course he pronounces it "Istan-bool."
And of course he has a child-like surprise
that towers can come in twos.
And look, between his actions regarding North Korea
and Turkey this week, World War III
is beginning to feel like Trump's armada:
it's not here yet, but it sure as shit
feels like it's on its way.
And now, this.
- It is a violation-- - But you see--
[all talking at once]
- I'm not saying that you're wrong.
- Somebody tell me where that's wrong.
- What I'm saying is that Democrats--
[all talking at once]
- Agree to disagree, right now the Dow is up 92 points.
[all talking at once]
- Bob, do you hear what you're saying?
- Bob, you know you're on TV, right?
[all talking at once]
- Hold on, hold on, no, no, no, no, no.
[all talking at once]
- There is a story-- there is a story
about Trump's company.
[all talking at once]
- I've got to run. I've got to run.
Let me--let me say this. I've got to run.
I have to run...
[all talking at once]
- How old are you, Jack? Hey, Jack.
How old are you, Jack?
[all talking at once]
- Calm down a tad bit-- - All you can think of--
- You're both talking over each other.
You're both talking over each other, so I can't hear you.
Go ahead, Senator. - That's the way it works.
[laughter]
- Moving on.
Our main story tonight concerns the White House,
the building inside which Donald Trump--
and I feel this isn't mentioned enough--
is regularly naked, and just think about that.
He might be naked in there right now.
Maybe he just sneezed.
Maybe there's a BAND-AID somewhere on his person.
We don't know, we just know that he's there,
and we all have to live with that.
But while Trump himself is divisive,
there are two White House figures who are widely admired:
Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump.
They're like America's William and Kate,
except in this case, both of them are attractive.
And--and many--many, many people have praise for them.
- The only adults in the room,
the moderates, the centrists, frankly Democrats,
are Jared and Ivanka. - Mm.
- You know, thank God his kids are, you know, there day to day.
They're a positive influence on him.
- His best running mate, by the way, would be Ivanka.
I don't know that I've met a more composed,
brilliant, beautiful in every way,
uh, person.
- Well, that is high praise from Senator Bob Corker.
"I've never met a more brilliant, beautiful person."
I imagine that went down great with his wife and two daughters.
"Happy Father's Day, Dad. Did Ivanka send you anything?"
But for liberals, the popular assumption is that
Jared and Ivanka will be moderating influences.
Basically, if Trump is thinking about pressing a button
labeled "Nuke Earth," they will, on behalf of all of us,
guide his hands toward the button
labeled "Hey...maybe don't."
And they both have official roles now.
Ivanka has recently taken an unpaid position
as assistant to the president, and as for Jared,
well, he seems to have a hand in basically everything.
- He's been planning this week's visit
of the Chinese president to Mar-a-Lago,
and he's also tasked with
brokering peace in the Middle East.
The president tapping his son-in-law
to reform the criminal justice system,
not to mention he's running the new
Office of American Innovation,
where he's responsible for reforming veteran care,
tackling the opioid epidemic,
and overseeing the not-so-small feat
of revamping the entire federal government.
- Holy shit.
It is not unusual for powerful men
to give their son-in-laws do-nothing jobs,
but leave it to Donald Trump,
who can't even get nepotism right,
to give his a do-everything job.
So given the power that they seem to hold,
tonight, let's take a look at Jared and Ivanka,
and let's set aside the questions surrounding
potential conflicts of interests between
their business ties and their positions
in the administration, and instead,
let's focus on answering just two basic questions:
is Ivanka really the moderating influence that people claim?
And what in Jared's background
justifies such a gigantic White House portfolio?
And let's start with Ivanka, Trump's only daughter,
except for, and yet somehow including, Tiffany.
Now, Ivanka is reassuringly familiar,
because she's been part of the Trump brand
since she was a child.
She even co-hosted Trump's
"Miss Teen USA" pageant at age 15,
featuring this noticeably odd moment.
- Let's go back to Ivanka.
- Thanks, Eddie.
I can guarantee my brothers were loving that.
Are any of you up there single? [laughs]
- Oh, God!
Why did they have her say that?
"Yes, Eddie, my blood relatives are rock hard right now.
"You heard me, the men with whom I share parents
probably have erect penises at this very moment."
[laughs shakily]
But in the public drama of the Trump family,
Ivanka has been cast as the calm, reasonable,
indoor-voiced one, a dynamic that's perhaps
best exemplified by this moment.
- What's the favorite thing you have in common with your father?
- Either real estate or golf.
- Donald, with your daughter?
- Well, I was going to say sex,
but I can't relate that to her.
- What is wrong with you, you colossal fucking creep?
You found the only possible wrong answer to that question.
What's your favorite color? "Hitler."
But--but still. That--that clip--
that clip actually illustrates
a lot of what we like about Ivanka.
She's the exact opposite of her dad.
He's crazy. She's poised and restrained.
And she is impressively on-message at all times.
Just think about how little information
she gave you in that exchange.
She was asked, "What do you have in common with your dad?"
And she said "real estate and golf."
Those are not personal details.
They are core components of the Trump brand
that any stranger would associate with him.
I mean, if you asked Huey, Dewey, and Louie
what they had in common with their uncle Donald,
and they said, "Either feathers or no pants,"
you would think, "Wow, the Duck family
really doesn't spend a lot of quality time together."
And that ability to apparently say nothing
and yet consistently support her dad can actually
apply to her political views, as well.
Because the assumption that many of us have,
that she disagrees with him, isn't actually based on much.
Just watch her response to being questioned
about what they specifically disagree on.
- My father agrees with me on so many issues.
And where he doesn't, he knows where I stand.
But it's not my administration. - Can you give us an example
of something that you disagree with him on,
and that you think that by speaking up to him,
it made him change his position or soften his position?
- I think most of the impact I have,
over time, most people will not actually know about.
- Oh, well, that's convenient.
So we should just give her credit when good stuff happens
and then blame others when bad stuff happens.
That's not a job description of a political adviser.
That's a description of an Old Testament God.
And that answer there enables you to project
whatever you want onto her based on
second-hand rumors and assumptions,
which is exactly what Gayle King and her co-hosts then did.
- What is it they differ on?
And where do you think she has--
- She is not gonna share that information--with me, anyway.
She's not sharing that information.
She said that's between her and her dad.
- But what do you think?
- I think about climate change, certainly.
I think about gay rights.
I think some of the immigration ban.
- Planned Parenthood?
- And certainly Planned Parenthood.
- Oh, yes, yes, certainly Planned Parenthood, as well.
Why not? And you know, those things
all feel true, but there is not a lot of evidence.
You know, it's the same way that I assume
Johnny Depp's penis also has
its own miniature hat and goatee.
Now, I don't have any concrete evidence
that that is actually the case, but come on.
Probably, right? Probably.
And when you look at what the Trump administration
has been doing, it is hard to see
much of Ivanka's influence there.
Take Planned Parenthood, which she "certainly" cares about.
Well, last week, Donald Trump
allowed states to block funds to it.
Or maybe take climate change.
Ivanka did reportedly bring Al Gore to Trump Tower.
But unfortunately, just three days later,
Trump named climate change denialist
Scott Pruitt to head the EPA.
And maybe that is an example of Ivanka's moderating influence.
Maybe Trump's initial choice was
a guy strangling a dolphin with a six-pack ring.
Although, just out of interest, let's look at an issue
that Ivanka has been very outspoken about.
Last year at the RNC, she brought up
family leave and child care, and when the Trump campaign
released their plan for that, she sold it hard.
- We think we've proposed something
that's incredibly comprehensive.
It's very innovative.
It's a bold and fresh solution.
There's no policy on Hillary Clinton's website
pertaining to any of these issues.
Child care, elder care,
or maternity leave, or paternity leave, for that matter.
- Except none of that was remotely true.
First, of course Hillary's site had pages on those issues,
so it seems when it comes to lying about
easily observable facts, the apple does not
fall far from the orange.
And--and let's-- let's take a look, though,
at that comprehensive, bold,
fresh Trump child care proposal,
because according to the Tax Policy Center,
"very few" of its benefits
went to "the lowest income families."
In fact, families with incomes between $10,000 and $30,000
would receive average benefits of just $10 a year.
And the only day care that costs $10 is a padlock.
Okay, okay, Mommy's going to work,
and Mrs. Master Lock is gonna keep you
in your bedroom for the next eight hours.
Thanks, Ivanka! You're the best!
And look, you may still like Ivanka.
That's fine. She can be appealing.
And that's frankly not by accident.
She's been trained in the art of Trump branding
to be as vague and likable as possible
so that everyone can plausibly think
that she shares their values,
whether or not that's actually true,
and if that sounds like a harsh thing
for me to say about her, I will point out
she's basically shared that message in one of her books.
- She's pretty much telling you to your face
not to trust any assumption that you are making about her.
So it is possible that she's doing
nothing to moderate her father, and I understand that
there is an impulse not to want to think about that.
Just like you don't want to think about the fact that
it is also possible that in the White House right now,
her father may be bowling naked.
Yeah, maybe he's wearing bowling shoes.
Maybe he's forcing Mike Pence to play alongside him.
We don't know. We just have to deal with
the fact that it's possible.
But look, the truth is, we may all be thinking
that Ivanka is doing a lot more than she actually is,
although the same can emphatically not be said
for her husband, Jared Kushner, the man--remember--
responsible for, among other things,
repairing the Middle East, something that his father-in-law
is actually pretty confident in.
- I have a feeling that Jared is gonna do a great job.
I have a feeling he's gonna... [cheers and applause]
He's gonna do a great job.
He is so great. If you can't produce peace
in the Middle East, nobody can.
- Okay, then nobody can.
Or--or, I am wrong, and future history books will say,
"And peace was finally brought to the Middle East
by a sentient Kohl's mannequin who read a book once."
But Jared actually has even more responsibility.
He's also reportedly been the primary point of contact
for two dozen different countries.
And if you look at photos of Trump's meetings,
it's like "Where's Waldo?" He's in all of them.
When Trump met the leaders of Congress, there he was.
At a listening session with business leaders, there he was.
At a meeting on cyber security, there he was.
At a meeting with a Saudi prince, there's Jared.
Japanese prime minister? Boom, it's J-dawg.
Chinese president visiting?
You got Kushner in the house.
Discussing the airstrikes on Syria?
Where's the Kush? Where's the Kush?
There he is! There's the Kush!
Basically, Jared is either being invited
to every important meeting,
or he died in the White House in the late 1800s,
and he's been haunting it ever since.
Jared's portfolio would be unmanageable
for the smartest man on Earth.
So, is Jared Kushner the smartest man on Earth?
We already know that he's the coolest.
He can really rock a trill pair of sunnies.
But what is going on behind them?
- This guy can be quiet but confident,
and as it was described to me, he is a visionary.
- If you have meetings with Jared Kushner, Jared listens.
He doesn't talk that much. He absorbs it.
- I see Jared as like the Alexander Hamilton
of the new administration.
He's super thoughtful. - Okay.
- He's a--he's a--he's a three-times listener,
0.5% talker.
- Stop.
So hold on, he is brilliant because he's quiet?
Just because you don't talk does not necessarily
mean you're thinking something amazing.
It can just mean that you're sitting in a meeting,
staring blankly at peoples' moving lips,
thinking about why baby cats aren't called "cattens."
Or whether all goldfish might have peanut allergies,
but since they don't ever eat peanuts,
we'll just never know.
And that whole "0.5% talker" thing
does point to something genuinely odd about Jared,
because for someone with the amount of power that he has,
have you ever heard him speak?
Seriously, what does his voice sound like?
You don't know, do you? And look, it wasn't easy,
but we did actually manage to find an interview of him
talking on TV in 2009, and here it is.
- [Gilbert Gottfried] My main business is real estate,
and I also own a newspaper and some other
websites and online media businesses.
[laughter]
- Yeah. Yeah, I know, I know.
I know. I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking, "Hold on, you just took that clip
and you dubbed in Gilbert Gottfried,"
but you don't know that for sure.
Listen to it again.
- [Gilbert Gottfried] My main business is real estate,
and I also own a newspaper and some other
websites and online media businesses.
- You don't know for a fact
that that is not his actual voice.
And that is the real point.
So in the absence of Jared's spoken thoughts,
we've instead had to rely on second-hand evidence
of his brilliance, and the first thing
many people cite is his education.
- Jared is a great young man. Went to Harvard, very smart.
- He want to Harvard. - Jared is a very--
he's a number one at Harvard guy.
He's incredibly smart.
- Yes, but that's not really evidence of anything.
The Unabomber went to Harvard.
Ted Cruz went to Harvard.
And yes, plenty of smart people went there too.
They'll tell you about it.
But it is worth-- it is worth noting
that officials at Jared's high school
were reportedly dismayed he got in
because, as one put it, "His GPA did not warrant it,
his SAT scores did not warrant it."
So who knows how he pulled that off?
I'm sure it's absolutely nothing to do with the fact
that his father pledged $2.5 million to the school
shortly before he was admitted, and I am certainly not saying
that that is a textbook case of paying for admission.
I'll leave that to the textbook "The Price of Admission,"
in which that story actually appears.
But--but the point is, however Jared got in,
after graduating, he took over
his father's real estate business
after his dad Charlie was sent to prison,
and I don't have time to get into why.
Let me just say it involves blackmailing his brother-in-law,
a sex worker, and a hidden camera in an alarm clock
in a shitbox motel on Route 22
called the Red Bull-- the Red Bull Inn.
The whole story, I promise, is amazing.
Trust me, it is worth a Google.
You're gonna need the SafeSearch off.
But--but how has Jared run the family business?
Well, he made a big splash when he bought 666 5th Avenue
for a record $1.8 billion in 2007,
but that deal has not been a raging success.
- The entire deal was a miscalculation.
- They absolutely paid too much at the time.
He bought at the very top of the market,
so then the market turned.
- Ten years later, the building is struggling
to cover its debt payments.
- Okay, so Kushner's purchase did make a splash,
but it turned out to be more the kind of splash
your phone makes when it falls into the toilet.
Now, that building is obviously not
Jared's whole record in business.
He also owned the "New York Observer,"
which even the paper's staff found a little odd,
given that several people described him as
an "unenthusiastic reader, with little use
for newspapers, let alone books."
He also recently spearheaded
a Brooklyn development called Dumbo Heights.
And one of his partners praised his involvement there,
saying, "He's very uncluttered in his mind.
"I think that simplicity
allows him to filter some things out."
Which could be a compliment or a savage insult.
And to give you a flavor
of what Jared's vision for Dumbo Heights is,
I'd like you to watch a video that he showed
to a real estate conference which is the most
infuriating combination of meaningless tech nonsense
and stock footage of models pretending to conduct business
that you will ever see.
- Dumbo Heights: a dynamic space
mechanically engineered for optimum performance
and unrivaled connectivity.
This campus is the staging ground
for the next generation of innovators
and creators.
Change is forged on this campus
in the fire of great thinkers and visionaries.
A community built for collaboration.
When innovation is cultivated,
the world rises to meet.
- Dope.
You know, it's hard to pick-- it's hard to pick,
but I think my favorite phrase in there is actually
bragging that the development is "mechanically engineered."
Because what are the other options there?
How many office buildings are naturally occurring,
or created with a wish on a genie's lamp?
And if you are starting to get concerned
that Jared's business record may not qualify him
for his current jobs, I should point out
one other prominent item that is on his resume:
the 2016 election.
A few weeks after it was over, "Forbes" ran a cover story
titled "This Guy Got Trump Elected,"
which does sound impressive, and it features quotes from Jared
like, "We played Moneyball, asking ourselves which states
will get the best ROI for the electoral vote,"
which is a sentence that can only be forged
in the uncluttered mind of the wizard of Dumbo Heights.
But in fairness, the article does give some examples
of what specific technical expertise
Jared may have brought into the operation.
- They used targeting. They found a way to get people
on Facebook and Twitter.
They evolved into this 100-person
secret data center down in San Antonio,
and they had data do everything.
Data determined his schedule, his rallies,
even what he spoke about in the rallies, so they knew--
- Even what he spoke about at the rallies?
- Yes. - Really?
Data determined what Trump spoke about at his rallies?
Look, I don't doubt that there were 100 people
in a basement somewhere Moneyballing the ROI,
but I would love to see the data that recommended this.
- I love these boards. Look, here's a beauty.
Here's a beauty. I just--I love charts.
I love charts.
And I always said, you know, it's too tough
putting a screen up, you got to get guys,
costs too much money-- I don't like to spend money.
This is a cheap version of a screen, okay?
It's just as good.
But you need good, strong hands.
So look, you ready?
So there it is.
- Thanks, Jared.
You really mechanically engineered
the shit out of that one.
But you know what? Trump did win the election.
And I wasn't there, so who knows?
Maybe Jared is single-handedly
responsible for the entire victory.
But that still doesn't mean he has the specific knowledge
to tackle government reform, or the Middle East,
or the opioids epidemic.
Can somebody please reassure me that this is okay?
- Jared is incredibly smart,
very talented, has enormous capacity.
He is humble in the recognition
of what he doesn't know,
and is tremendously secure
in his ability to-- to seek informed viewpoints.
- No, not you. Not you.
I know your game now. Not you.
And also, to that point that he will seek informed viewpoints,
that will be harder since there are still hundreds
of key jobs across the government
that Trump has not yet named nominees for,
some at agencies central to Jared's duties,
including the Department of Transportation,
the DEA, and the VA.
It is too bad that Trump can't appoint someone
to nominate people on his behalf,
although even then, I am pretty sure
that he'd give that job to Jared fucking Kushner.
And yet, the truth is, for many people,
the main thing qualifying Jared for his positions
is not so much who he is, but who he isn't.
- As many questions as I have about Jared and Ivanka
and their qualifications, they're a lot more qualified
than people like Steve Bannon.
- I, like everybody, would prefer to have them
rather than Mr. Bannon involved in decisions.
- Is he James Baker? No, he's not James Baker.
- The answer's no. - But is he Steve Bannon?
No, he's not Steve Bannon.
- All right, that is true.
Jared Kushner is not Steve Bannon,
but that is a low bar.
That recommendation would get you no other job.
We shouldn't be excited about a top White House adviser
simply because he is preferable to a man best described as
every dark thought humanity has ever had,
inhabiting the long-dead corpse of a Civil War-era
plantation owner that even his fellow
plantation owners called "a bit much."
There has to be a third option here, and even some people
who know Jared and like him have some serious questions.
- I know Jared Kushner and Ivanka.
They lived in my building. They're lovely young people.
Does this person have any qualifications?
Lovely guy. I'm sure level-headed.
Yes, he's temperamentally sane,
versus the president, got it.
Having said that, what has this guy done in his life ever?
- Just listen to what he just said.
Lovely young man, seems level-headed, what's he done?
It does not bode well that Jared Kushner's neighbors
describe him like he just got arrested
for murdering 11 people.
And look, in the end, this isn't even Jared's fault.
It's the fault of the guy who appointed him.
Because think about it this way:
imagine anyone other than Donald Trump was president.
And hold that thought.
It's nice, right?
In fact--in fact, imagine--
imagine this stock photo guy was in office.
This guy, and he said, "Hey, everyone, I'm gonna fix
"the Middle East, and opioids,
"and the whole of government in general,
"and I've found the perfect person to do it.
"It's this creepily silent 36-year-old
"heir to a real estate fortune.
What does everyone think?"
You would justifiably be fucking upset at that.
And I know that all of this may seem like
an evisceration of both Jared and Ivanka,
but it is really not.
I don't know enough about them to eviscerate them,
just as you don't know enough about them
to justify putting any real hopes in them.
Because it is dangerous to think of them
as a moderating influence, as reassuring as that may feel,
because believe me--and it gives me no pleasure to say this--
if they are the reason you are sleeping at night,
you should probably still be awake.
And if you need help doing that, simply remember,
Donald Trump may currently be airing out his balls
in the Lincoln Bedroom.
Sweet dreams.
And now, this.
- I'm sexist. I'm a bigot.
I'm a racist. - Oh.
- Look, let's just get it on the table.
I'm everything. Racist, sexist,
or any other "ist" the far left embraces.
They're gonna point at people, "You're a racist,
"you're a sexist, you made me uncomfortable.
You did this, you did that."
What about this sexism thing?
I don't really know what this is.
Now, just the fact that I said "va-va-voom"
make me a sexist, right? - No, it doesn't.
- It doesn't? Are you sure?
I wanted two ladies on here. - Yeah.
- 'Cause I know I'm insensitive.
Now, you guys are both, uh, um, female.
There's got to be some downside to having a woman president.
Right? Something.
Something that may not fit with that office.
Many women who get pregnant are blasted out of their minds
when they have sex--they're not gonna use birth control anyway.
Maria, when you hear me try to talk,
that means you have to button it up.
You know, you're snorting out there,
and I want you to knock it off. - I'm not snorting.
- Now, if you were men, I would have scolded you harder.
You don't want to be treated equally.
You want special treatment! - [gasps] Absolutely not.
- Yes, you do!
She looks good for 50.
- Oh, please. - Oh!
- You a little chilly here in this outfit?
Calling me sexist? Ooh.
You know, I'll go on the lesbian cruise.
Yeah, I'd see it as a challenge.
All right, ladies, good debate. We're not mad at you, Kirsten.
I'm sorry if I mischaracterized what you were doing, all right?
- Mm-hmm. - Want respect for everyone.
White people don't force black people
to have babies out of wedlock.
I do not believe you are granted
favorable treatment in this country because you are white.
The white establishment is now the minority.
The race hustlers blame white privilege.
You can't be blaming the white people for everything.
It's ridiculous. There's no white privilege.
There must be Asian privilege.
Because the Asians are at the top of the chart.
And the African-Americans are at the bottom of the chart.
And it has nothing to do with slavery.
It has everything to do with you Hollywood people
and you derelict parents.
By nature, I'm kind of a hothead.
This is justice-- - This is nothing to do with--
- And you want anarchy!
But mostly, when things go wrong,
you should not react, at least until you're cooled down.
We'll do it live! Fuck it!
Do it live!
If you raise your voice even slightly!
You're labeled a maniac.
I'll write it, and we'll do it live!
Fucking thing sucks!
[cheers and applause]
- That's our show. Thanks so much for watching.
We're off next week. Back after that, good-night.
[upbeat rock music]
♪ ♪
- [Gilbert Gottfried] My main business is real estate.
[bright tone]